The Forgiveness Challenge: Why and How to Forgive in the Presence of State-Sponsored Denial, Revisionism, and Injustices

“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but, if faced with courage, it need not be lived again” – Maya Angelou

How does a country, community, family, or individual learn to heal from trauma, betrayal, humiliation, or heartbreak caused by another during a historical crisis, global war, genocide, or interpersonal relationship? How can the cycle of generational transmission of trauma be transformed into a healing journey and lessons learned?

This paper focuses on how to forgive in the presence of denial, revisionism, and injustices. In particular, it addresses coping with the denial of the Ottoman-Turkish Genocide of the Armenians. In addition, two cases are presented to illustrate the challenge of forgiveness and how, when governmental denial exists, the practice of forgiveness is not only a challenge but also an unending process. The seven-step Integrative Healing Model (the Biopsychosocial Eco-Spiritual Model) is presented as the therapeutic approach used for transforming the anger, hatred, and resentment into forgiveness, in both individual and group settings (Kalayjian, 2002, 2012). The model has been applied worldwide since 1989 in more than 20 post-disaster humanitarian outreach projects in 45 countries as part of the Mental Health Outreach Programs (MHOP) organized by this author and the Association for Trauma Outreach and Prevention (ATOP) Meaningfulworld. It is distilled here into its most essential form but can be adapted for application to a wide range of situations.

Anger, dislike, and hatred are real yet often irrational and unhealthy reactions. Hatred has a greater impact on the “hater” as compared to the person or object being hated. In addition, overcoming hatred can be difficult since hatred reinforces itself. Hating someone or something gives an individual a false sense of power. Also, it may appear that an individual is helpless and that others are the cause of one’s feelings of anger and hatred. However, as Martin Luther King Jr. stated, the most powerful tool that one can use to combat hatred is love. Dr. King also said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” With this in mind, one may inquire: “Are you asking me to love the person I hate? That defeats the purpose of hating.” The answer to this question is yes! God, religions, and spirituality ask their followers to love their enemies – Jesus has also asked us to love our enemy. Once we begin this practice, we will no longer have wars. Deciding to love something that you hate, whether it is a person, situation, or a part of yourself, can be a transformative experience. Love is a powerful force that can help people free themselves from confinement and release them from being held hostage to negative emotions.

However, it is normal for an individual to feel anger, dislike, bitterness, resistance, and/or resentment when trying to love that which one hates. This is something that requires continuous practice. It is not a one-time event or effort. One may have to rehearse this over and over again until it becomes a knee-jerk reaction (i.e., automatic). The transformative practice of loving something that you once hated changes emotions from hatred to love, leaving less room in our hearts for hatred. In addition, there will be less of a need for those negative feelings and, as one therapist called them, ANT (automatic negative thoughts). The goal is for one to transform one’s ANTs into PILs (positive intentional love, Kalayjian 2008).

While it is difficult to not be judgmental, transforming one’s negative thoughts into PILs helps the universe. Even if you don’t care about the universe, care for yourself, since by transforming your thoughts you will feel emotionally lighter and freer. Therefore your journey becomes lighter and less overwhelming. Anger and hatred are extremely negative feelings and weigh heavily upon all of us. In contrast, when you are free from these emotions, you disrobe yourself of revenge and negativity, thereby becoming healthier and happier. If the process of forgiveness is challenging for you, you might consider starting to explore feelings of compassion and gratitude because when you are free from these emotions you can begin helping others achieve this state of Nirvana that you have achieved. When you respond to people with love, it actually transforms other’s negative energy. You not only empower yourself by not letting their negativity enter your personal space, you also help them transform their ANTs into PILs. In this way you not only rise above the negativity and hatred, you become a role model for others in their transformational journey.

Forgiveness is shifting from the automatic ego reaction (anger/self-protection, hurting back, revenge), to a non-reactive conscious response of empathy; considering that the other person is ALSO a human being, perhaps not mindful (Kalayjian, 2010).

Gandhi once said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Loving a person or object that you previously hated sends a positive and transformative energy that vibrates throughout the universe. Instead of reinforcing hatred, you become an advocate for love. As Henry Longfellow stated, “If we could see the secret history of our enemies, we would find there enough suffering to disarm all hostility.” Gandhi also said, “When I despair, I remember that through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall – think of it – always.”

When we are so preoccupied with judging others, we don’t have time to love them (Mother Teresa). Remember what Einstein said: “There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive; no past so bitter that love cannot accept; and no love so little that we cannot start all over with.”

According to our research conducted 75 years after the Ottoman-Turkish Genocide of the Armenians, resentment and anger continued in the hearts of many survivors due to the ongoing 100 years of the Turkish government’s denial of the Genocide, teaching revisionist history to all the Turkish children, and adding article 301 to the Turkish penal code to ban talking about the Genocide, as well as imprisoning or killing anyone who talks about it. Validation of a traumatic experience is an essential step toward resolution and closure. An explicit expression of remorse by a perpetrator to a victim has enormous healing value (Sullivan, 1953). Against a background of losses and atrocities well beyond the realm of usual life experience, these aged survivors of Genocide reflected a sense of personal and communal accomplishment, tempered with anger regarding the perpetrators’ denial of how they were victimized (Kalayjian, et al 1996).

Individual case studies in psychotherapy practices have revealed that holding a grudge is detrimental to one’s physical, mental, emotional, ecological, and spiritual health. When individuals have anger against themselves, someone else, or a group of people (such as perpetrators), this anger forces them to feel helpless, as they are in continued frustration, expecting acknowledgment which has been denied for over 100 years (in case of the Genocide of the Armenians). The power of transformation is important to embrace, if not we are doomed to pass it on to the next seven generations (Kupelian, D., Kalayjian, A. S., & Kassabian, A. 1998).

One therapeutic way to shift this helplessness into empowerment is through forgiveness, empathy, self-validation, and meaning-making. In spite of all the positive findings regarding the effectiveness of practicing forgiveness there is growing confusion about how to practice forgiveness, if forgiveness is indicated when the perpetrator does not express remorse, or even when the perpetrator promotes denial (Kalayjian, 2010).

The challenge is how to integrate past traumas into our psyche, how not to react to old hurt and pain, how to heal ourselves from the pain and anger, as well as how to build peace in ourselves and therefore build peace in the community and around the globe. I present my case of being threatened to be tortured and killed by extremists in Turkey while I was attempting to present my research findings on the aforementioned study with Armenian survivors of the Ottoman-Turkish Genocide (Kalayjian, 1999).

Here is my experience in 1999 in Istanbul: I submitted a paper to an International European Traumatic Society’s Congress on Psychotraumatology and Human Rights that took place in Istanbul, Turkey. Being fully cognizant of the Turkish government’s denial propaganda, I entitled my abstract “Mass Human Rights Violations: Resilience vs. Resignation.” At the conference, the keynote speakers talked freely regarding the host country’s more recent human rights violations against the Kurds. I felt encouraged by this and decided to distribute my original abstract on the Genocide against Armenians and other Christian minorities. At this point the threats began. First, my life was threatened by the Turkish National Intelligence Organization (MIT), to whom I responded with skepticism that I did not believe that anyone would dare kill me in front of the 600+ scholars from 48 countries who were present at the conference. The following day, I was threatened to be tortured if I talked about the Genocide. On the third day, the abstracts of my presentation were snatched from my hands. On the last day of the conference I was called by the organizers from Istanbul and the (British) then-president of the European Society for Traumatic Stress Studies for a private meeting. At this meeting I was presented with an ultimatum: Either I must sign a letter stating that I would agree to refrain from talking about the Ottoman-Turkish Genocide of the Armenians, or forcibly leave the conference escorted by the Turkish police (who were waiting at the door) without addressing the conference. Although I reminded the police and president that they were attending a human rights conference and that they were in fact violating my human rights as a presenter, it was to no avail. They reiterated that because of the political situation, they were obliged to “protect the conference organizers from the government, who had threatened to demote the chairperson from her professorial position at the university.”

After a difficult deliberation, I chose to sign the letter so that I would not lose the opportunity to address the conference. Colleagues helped me revise my transparencies by covering the controversial words with a special marker provided by the audio-visual department. When I began delivering my lecture and the first transparency was projected, I apologized for the black lines without looking at the screen, and then noticed that many of my colleagues had smirks on their faces. The Turkish audience was enraged. When I turned around to look at the screen, I saw that the censored words were showing through the black marks. I then spontaneously said, “Whoops, the light is so bright that it is coming through. I guess we cannot hide it any longer.” Tension grew in the audience. At that point, I told the audio-visual technician to turn off the projector and reinforced that I was there to focus on transcending hatred and embracing forgiveness through dialogue and forgiveness. I focused on the importance of empowerment and moving on to the next phase of dialogue, education, and collaboration. I asserted that the admission of genocide is a very difficult task to take on, especially when survivors of the perpetrators have been misinformed for almost a century. I then asked the scientific community to assist the Turkish community to accept responsibility and apologize for the wrongs of their ancestors. They too need to forgive their ancestors in order to overcome denial and accept responsibility. After the lecture, numerous international colleagues came forward and hugged and congratulated me for my courage and for the depth of my message. I cried in their arms out of relief, happiness for being alive, and for having delivered that important message.

I returned safely to the United States. Then a devastating earthquake hit Turkey. I decided to go back and assist, in spite of my American colleagues’ assertions that I must be crazy to take such a risk. For me, a humanitarian outreach eschews geographic and political boundaries. I developed the Mental Health Outreach Project for Turkey and spearheaded a team that worked for several weeks under tents with thousands of Turkish survivors via group therapy, debriefing, and application of the 7-Step Integrative Healing Model.

Healing can occur through forgiveness even in the absence of the perpetrator’s remorse, and through finding a deeper positive meaning in even the worst experiences (Kalayjian, 2010).

Currently we have collaborative research projects on post-trauma forgiveness and healing in Armenia, Sierra Leone, Kenya, Rwanda, Burundi, DR Congo, Haiti, the United States, and in the Middle East: Jordan, Palestine, Israel, Lebanon and Syria. The findings are uplifting; Forgiveness and meaning-making are negatively correlated with the levels of trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptomatology. Other research reinforces that a lack of forgiveness has been found to be associated with more severe PTSD and depression among combat veterans in treatment for PTSD (Witvliet, Phillips, Feldman, & Beckham, 2004).

Through these 7 steps various aspects of dispute, conflict, betrayal, humiliation, or disagreement are assessed, identified, explored, processed, worked through, and reintegrated (Kalayjian, 2002, Kalayjian & Eugene, 2010, Kalayjian & Sofletea, 2012). This process transforms trauma and suffering by releasing old hurts and anger, offering new and positive meaning or a new lesson learned. This innovative model incorporates various theories, including: psychodynamic, interpersonal, (Sullivan, 1953), existential and humanistic (Frankl, 1962), Electromagnetic Field Balancing (EMF, Dubro & Lapierre, 2002), Forgiveness (Kalayjian & Paloutzian, 2010), Learning Theory, flower essences, essential oils, physical release (van der Kolk, 1987), and mind-body-spirit chakra balancing, prayers, and meditation.

The 7-Step Integrative Healing Model has been utilized successfully locally and globally in more than 45 countries. Here are the 7 steps:

1. Assess Levels of Disagreement or Conflict: Participants are given a questionnaire to define the kind of dispute/trauma they are working on, and to elicit the impact and intensity. If done on an individual level, you are encouraged to identify your feelings and then rate them from 0-10, 10 being the most severe feeling.
2. Encourage Expression of Feelings: One at a time, all participants in the group are encouraged to describe their conflict/trauma from their perspective, and express their feelings in the “here and now.”
3. Provide Empathy and Validation: Each participant’s feelings are validated by the mediator or facilitator. Emphasis is placed on understanding others, empathy, compassion, and gratitude.
4. Encourage Discovery and Expression of Meaning: Participants are asked, “What lessons, meaning, or positive associations did you discover as a result of this dispute?” This question is based on Frankl’s logotherapeutic principles, that there could be a positive meaning discovered in the worst catastrophe, and that there are lessons to be learned in most conflicts. The facilitator will help opposing parties discover their own dark sides, in order to transform those wounds into positive
5. Provide Information: Practical tools and information are shared, as well as how to care for oneself as a caregiver/mediator. Also shared are steps of practicing forgiveness, types of listening, and mindfulness (Kalayjian, 2010).
6. Eco–Centered Caring: Practical tools are shared to connect with Mother Earth and ways to care for one’s environment. Emphasis is placed on starting with one’s environment and expanding to the larger globe.
7. Body, Breathing and Movement-Centered Healing, and Meditation: Breath is used as a natural medicine and a healing tool. Since no one can control others and what happens outside of one’s self, participants are assisted in being mindful of how they can respond to the dispute instead of reacting to it. Participants are instructed on how to use breath towards self-empowerment, creating peace within, as well as to engender gratitude, compassion, faith, strength, and forgiveness in response to conflicts. This ends with a meditation session.

The outcome has been measurable and survivors have reported experiences of being empowered, healed, strengthened, in peace, and able to overcome their negative reactions to trauma. They have also reported having embraced healthy coping patterns, which improves their ability to prepare by staying centered and empowered with new and positive lessons learned.

Beginning with interpersonal healing, the 7-Step Integrative Healing Model addresses the transformation and collaboration so profoundly needed by our world, which is going through violent transitions, and it demonstrates the interconnectedness of our interpersonal healing and development, conflict transformation, happiness and well-being, and inclusive and sustainable community building, disaster-risk reduction, and Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

Emotions are like a vehicle; in order to enjoy the ride fully and arrive safely one can learn EQ: learning how to operate, control, manage, reframe, and transform our emotions, especially in challenging situations, always with love and forgiveness, as well as learning how to read others’ emotions (Kalayjian, 2014).

I’d like to pause here and express my gratitude to my teacher, mentor, and guide Viktor Frankl, with whom I was fortunate to take a course and spend time exploring how and why to forgive. Whom should one forgive when the perpetrator is in continued denial? Throughout my journey of sharing forgiveness, healing interventions, and workshops around the world, I have heard the following myths regarding forgiveness. These are reactions stemming from resistance, continued pain and suffering, and they demonstrate that many more workshops and therapeutic interventions are needed:

1. If I forgive, I will forget
2. If I forgive, you will do it again
3. If I forgive, the enemy will be set free
4. If I forgive, I will hurt those who died
5. If I forgive, there will be no justice
6. If I forgive, I will no longer be a victim
7. I need the anger to survive
8. I have to wait for the enemy to acknowledge and ask for forgiveness first
9. Only survivors themselves can forgive; offspring should not forgive
10. Only God/Allah/other deity can forgive, not humans.

In the past, forgiveness was only used in religious and spiritual literature and research studies. But in the past 20 years, I am delighted to share that there is a healthy integration between psychology, healing, spirituality, and ecology. Our 7-Step Model is a clear sign of that integration, and in fact, it has been adapted by many psychologically and spiritually based organizations, because it incorporates healing, ecology, health, prevention, mindfulness, energy healing, yoga and physical release, and EQ.

In conclusion I’d like to remind the reader that practicing forgiveness is essential for creation of peace at the interpersonal and intrapersonal levels as well as ultimately for creating peace and reconciliation worldwide. As the Dalai Lama had said: Peace, for example, starts within each one of us. When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us, even in the midst of chaos.